God answers prayers in some very strange ways sometimes... Who ever would have thought that the answers to my problems would be presented in my stress management class? I sure as heck didn't. But, I'm feeling better about life in general now, thanks to that class.
The whole class was about stress and spirituality. This was a rather interesting topic. I had no idea that we would discuss the spiritual health of our souls in any college class. But I was glad we did. Spirituality and religion are completely different subjects, although spirituality can be expressed through religion. I know some of my friends and I have talked about this before, but I didn't realize that someone had written a whole entire chapter in a psychology book about it.
One point I found rather interesting, but I am also skeptical about it, is a study that someone did where they showed the affects of words on ice crystals. It was strange, not gonna lie. And I'm still pretty skeptical about this effect, but I wonder if it's true. In the experiment, positive affirmation statements created beautiful crystals, whereas negative statements created less attractive crystals. They also studied the affects of music and got similar results. So, I don't know exactly what to think about this study....
I definitely believe in the effects of words and music on the soul. I believe that mental and psychological issues cause just as much stress and take just as much energy as physical issues. Researchers have started doing studies that indicate that the amount of glycogen in the brain decreases with mental stress (such as willpower, traumatic situations, etc.). This goes to show that mental and psychological issues really do take energy from people. It's a rather interesting study, if you ever care to research or write about something in psychology.
Another topic we looked at in class was spiritual healing. We looked quite a bit at forgiveness. Here's a concept I never considered before. Forgiveness is only for oneself. Keeping in anger, aggression, and hatred hurts only whoever is holding the grudge. The person who did the wrong never knows about the anger, the built up tension. It only matters to the person who either can't forgive or is trying to forgive. So, that was a good study. Something worth knowing, even for someone who isn't a psychology major.
Well, if you cared enough to read this, I'd really appreciate to know what you think. If you have views, it might be fun to discuss them. Anyways, I doubt anyone will actually do that, so I hope you enjoyed reading! It's better than a textbook, right?
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Disappointment? Life? Lack of sleep?
Do you ever get in that, "I hate life" mood? I'm not quite there yet, but that's where my mood is surely headed. Hopefully I can turn that around by doing productive work. I need to focus on school... and church. Stop worrying about the little problems in life. Because that's all they are, little problem. Simple things I shouldn't worry nor care about, but I do.
I need to find a way to change. To learn to cope better with stressful events in my life. Any suggestions? Well, I probably wouldn't follow any advice even if it was given to me.
I'm tired. Probably should go to sleep, but I doubt I'll be able to sleep very much tonight. Too many things on my mind to think about. Oh well, at least getting offline will help me figure things out. Hopefully.
I need to find a way to change. To learn to cope better with stressful events in my life. Any suggestions? Well, I probably wouldn't follow any advice even if it was given to me.
I'm tired. Probably should go to sleep, but I doubt I'll be able to sleep very much tonight. Too many things on my mind to think about. Oh well, at least getting offline will help me figure things out. Hopefully.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Social Psychology
Social psychology = best class ever! I am loving what I'm starting to learn in this class. We're talking about "the self" and it seems like an introspective class that helps me figure out my innermost thoughts and feeling and why I think, feel, and act as I do. We talked about a concept today that I had never thought much about before. Self-regulation.
Basically, it's another word for self-control. Anyways, we're just starting to discuss goals and choices. We're talking about the "now vs. later" choices and I wish I knew if I had good self-control as a child. Researchers have done tests to show that children who have self-control tend to live better lives than those who do not develop self-control. 'Twould be interesting to see what my level of self-regulation is at this stage in my life.
You, yes you reading this blog entry, should take a social psychology class sometime. You really learn a lot about yourself, and it's a great way to learn about self-discovery. I've learned why I do a lot of the things I do; the different motivations that drives us, as a human species, to pursue our dreams. What makes us different and unique compared to other species.
Ya, I have fallen in love with social psychology. That's basically it.
Basically, it's another word for self-control. Anyways, we're just starting to discuss goals and choices. We're talking about the "now vs. later" choices and I wish I knew if I had good self-control as a child. Researchers have done tests to show that children who have self-control tend to live better lives than those who do not develop self-control. 'Twould be interesting to see what my level of self-regulation is at this stage in my life.
You, yes you reading this blog entry, should take a social psychology class sometime. You really learn a lot about yourself, and it's a great way to learn about self-discovery. I've learned why I do a lot of the things I do; the different motivations that drives us, as a human species, to pursue our dreams. What makes us different and unique compared to other species.
Ya, I have fallen in love with social psychology. That's basically it.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Hot Tubbing, Life, Reality
Tonight, me and some friends had a hot tub party. I think it's now a tradition because I've had a hot tub party every year for the past 3 years on homecoming night. Which is strange since I don't to to PV anymore, but still. It was originally planned because one of my friends wanted to go to homecoming but her date backed out; well, she got asked by someone else. I was set on having friends over though, and hot tubbing sounded like a good idea, so I went with it.
Nothing exciting happened. It was pretty normal - just chatting and laughing. More or less a night wasted. I could have been reading my textbooks. Dang. I guess I'll just have to catch up on my reading tomorrow.
I feel as if I'm going nowhere. As if nothing is going to happen for me, even though I try to make my life meaningful and productive. I guess I missed out on the whole social side of high school, and therefore, I didn't learn how to socialize very well. It's starting to catch up to me now. I can casually talk with a lot of different people; I just don't care for small talk. It bores me. When I chat with others, I like my conversations to be meaningful and thoughtful. Maybe that's why I am so bad at making new friends. Acquaintances, I have plenty of those, but real friends - those are much more difficult to find. And personally, I don't want to exert my energy trying to become friends with someone just to see the friendship end in failure.
Looking at different things realistically is not a pleasant outlook all the time. I wish I was more of an optimist than a realist. At least I don't always look at the pessimistic side of everything.
Life is boring. It's the same thing day in and day out. I need some excitement; something to change things up a little bit. Something out of the ordinary. New. Adventurous. Thrilling.
I want to be a true rebel. For all Dixie students, you probably know what this means. For others, you might too. No more elaboration from me though. I must get to bed because I'm going to a farewell in the morning. It is for Casey and I'll be sad to see him leave. But, he's going to be a really good missionary - hopefully. I'm just tired of everyone leaving.
Nothing exciting happened. It was pretty normal - just chatting and laughing. More or less a night wasted. I could have been reading my textbooks. Dang. I guess I'll just have to catch up on my reading tomorrow.
I feel as if I'm going nowhere. As if nothing is going to happen for me, even though I try to make my life meaningful and productive. I guess I missed out on the whole social side of high school, and therefore, I didn't learn how to socialize very well. It's starting to catch up to me now. I can casually talk with a lot of different people; I just don't care for small talk. It bores me. When I chat with others, I like my conversations to be meaningful and thoughtful. Maybe that's why I am so bad at making new friends. Acquaintances, I have plenty of those, but real friends - those are much more difficult to find. And personally, I don't want to exert my energy trying to become friends with someone just to see the friendship end in failure.
Looking at different things realistically is not a pleasant outlook all the time. I wish I was more of an optimist than a realist. At least I don't always look at the pessimistic side of everything.
Life is boring. It's the same thing day in and day out. I need some excitement; something to change things up a little bit. Something out of the ordinary. New. Adventurous. Thrilling.
I want to be a true rebel. For all Dixie students, you probably know what this means. For others, you might too. No more elaboration from me though. I must get to bed because I'm going to a farewell in the morning. It is for Casey and I'll be sad to see him leave. But, he's going to be a really good missionary - hopefully. I'm just tired of everyone leaving.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Self-Compassion Views
Yesterday I had the most interesting discussion in one of my classes. We were talking about self-esteem, self-compassion, moral values, agression, and stress. The whole idea of the class was to read these articles and figure out how they all related to one another. And, I have a new direction I want to take! I'd always thought I would go into psychological research with something to do with development psychology or something like that, but now, I am most definitely going to try to study social psychology. And it's because of one specific subject: self-compassion.
A lot of people probably don't know the difference between self-esteem and self-compassion. Basically, self-esteem is a very debated topic in psychology where some psychologists believe that low self-esteem is bad, but also that narcissism (extreme high self-esteem) is bad. They've tried to show that low self-esteem creates aggression and behavioral problems. This has a small correlation, but it's not really significant. One of my professors actually believes that self-esteem has very little to do with behavioral problems, and I agree with that theory.
On the other hand, people low in self-compassion generally blame themselves for problems in their lives, and do not know how to deal with inconsistencies between their inner mental state and outer physical world. Self-compassionate people understand that they do make mistakes, they have adversities in their lives, but they also realize that beating themselves up over these problems will not solve anything. They tend to take rejection and failure better than those with low self-compassion.
So, here's my theory. Self-esteem doesn't really have an affect on behavior; rather, self-compassion is the underlying agent to behavioral problems. It makes sense. If people dwell on the mistakes they make, they won't care to progress in life. But, if they can learn from their mistakes and move on, they will progress in life. This seems like common sense.
I know I had more insights to this subject last night, but I can't remember them right now... I should have written them down. This very possibly could be my independent research project someday. Perhaps even one of my research studies in grad school. Who knows...
No matter what, I'm excited to learn more about self-compassion and self-concept. It fascinates me!
A lot of people probably don't know the difference between self-esteem and self-compassion. Basically, self-esteem is a very debated topic in psychology where some psychologists believe that low self-esteem is bad, but also that narcissism (extreme high self-esteem) is bad. They've tried to show that low self-esteem creates aggression and behavioral problems. This has a small correlation, but it's not really significant. One of my professors actually believes that self-esteem has very little to do with behavioral problems, and I agree with that theory.
On the other hand, people low in self-compassion generally blame themselves for problems in their lives, and do not know how to deal with inconsistencies between their inner mental state and outer physical world. Self-compassionate people understand that they do make mistakes, they have adversities in their lives, but they also realize that beating themselves up over these problems will not solve anything. They tend to take rejection and failure better than those with low self-compassion.
So, here's my theory. Self-esteem doesn't really have an affect on behavior; rather, self-compassion is the underlying agent to behavioral problems. It makes sense. If people dwell on the mistakes they make, they won't care to progress in life. But, if they can learn from their mistakes and move on, they will progress in life. This seems like common sense.
I know I had more insights to this subject last night, but I can't remember them right now... I should have written them down. This very possibly could be my independent research project someday. Perhaps even one of my research studies in grad school. Who knows...
No matter what, I'm excited to learn more about self-compassion and self-concept. It fascinates me!
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Please Don't...
The world is barren
My heart is gone
A desert land
Once whole, now wrong
I ran away
Escaped to return
The death and gloom
Your absence burns
My need for you
Grows greater still
As longing taunts
My loving will
Reach out to me
Just one more time
Give me this last
Peace of mind
I miss you now
More than you'll ever know
Listen close, dear
Please don't go.
My heart is gone
A desert land
Once whole, now wrong
I ran away
Escaped to return
The death and gloom
Your absence burns
My need for you
Grows greater still
As longing taunts
My loving will
Reach out to me
Just one more time
Give me this last
Peace of mind
I miss you now
More than you'll ever know
Listen close, dear
Please don't go.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Content, Green, Hugs
I'm content. Life isn't great, but it's not really that bad either. Something I've been realizing lately is that everything doesn't have to end up perfectly. I can get through difficult situations because I know I can handle anything life throws at me.
I must say that my friends are amazing. Tonight, Nicki brought me cookies for no apparent reason, just because. I love my friends! Without friends and family, I don't know how I'd survive this life.
Life is good. I am finally getting into the groove with my classes. Some textbooks are extremely hard for me to read, but I deal. I finished my 2 papers today. Still need a second opinion on them, but I'll get that tomorrow. So, I've realized I love social interaction. I thrive on my weekends of talking and hanging out with friends. I look forward to chatting and texting and blogging. Maybe it's just that I need to restate my feelings out loud (or through typing) to actually know what I'm going through.
In case you haven't noticed, I've been writing a lot lately. I think I'm going to write a song soon. A country song, of course. About life and love and the lack of... haha. I need the lyrics, then the music. Hmmm... this might get interesting.
Anyways, did you know my favorite color is green? Well, it is. My room is also green and gorgeous. I wish I could just be outside all the time. Thankfully my curtains let in the light in the morning and afternoon. At night though, it's kinda creepy because if I have my light on, people can see through my window... I need to fix this. Don't want any peepers.
I have a lot to read tomorrow. But, at least I don't have to write any more essays until this weekend! You know that feeling you get when you accomplish something? That's what I'm feeling right now, but I really haven't even accomplished anything other than actually getting my papers written.
I still need a real hug. I've been missing physical contact with people. We've learned in my adult development and aging class that physical contact helps cognitive processing. So, I need to start touching more and getting out of my bubble. We'll see if that actually happens or not...
Life is good-ish... We'll see what happens later to see it that holds true.
Haha, I just wrote my title, and if you take out the commas, it is "content green hugs"... It reminds me of environmentalists. Let's not go into that topic tonight though (in fact, I don't think I ever write about politics on here... hmmm). Lol. Randomness!
I must say that my friends are amazing. Tonight, Nicki brought me cookies for no apparent reason, just because. I love my friends! Without friends and family, I don't know how I'd survive this life.
Life is good. I am finally getting into the groove with my classes. Some textbooks are extremely hard for me to read, but I deal. I finished my 2 papers today. Still need a second opinion on them, but I'll get that tomorrow. So, I've realized I love social interaction. I thrive on my weekends of talking and hanging out with friends. I look forward to chatting and texting and blogging. Maybe it's just that I need to restate my feelings out loud (or through typing) to actually know what I'm going through.
In case you haven't noticed, I've been writing a lot lately. I think I'm going to write a song soon. A country song, of course. About life and love and the lack of... haha. I need the lyrics, then the music. Hmmm... this might get interesting.
Anyways, did you know my favorite color is green? Well, it is. My room is also green and gorgeous. I wish I could just be outside all the time. Thankfully my curtains let in the light in the morning and afternoon. At night though, it's kinda creepy because if I have my light on, people can see through my window... I need to fix this. Don't want any peepers.
I have a lot to read tomorrow. But, at least I don't have to write any more essays until this weekend! You know that feeling you get when you accomplish something? That's what I'm feeling right now, but I really haven't even accomplished anything other than actually getting my papers written.
I still need a real hug. I've been missing physical contact with people. We've learned in my adult development and aging class that physical contact helps cognitive processing. So, I need to start touching more and getting out of my bubble. We'll see if that actually happens or not...
Life is good-ish... We'll see what happens later to see it that holds true.
Haha, I just wrote my title, and if you take out the commas, it is "content green hugs"... It reminds me of environmentalists. Let's not go into that topic tonight though (in fact, I don't think I ever write about politics on here... hmmm). Lol. Randomness!
Monday, September 20, 2010
Charlie St. Cloud Review
Tonight, Nicki and I went to a movie. It was weird because I think tonight might have been senior night or something at the two dollar movies... Anyways, we went to see Charlie St. Cloud and I am in love! Zac Efron is on of my favorites and he really got into his character. I almost cried at some parts. I don't want to spoil it, but I must say there is a definite twist in the plotline later in the movie. I thought it was pretty predictable, but then it throws you for a loop. I love movies that do that! If I know what's coming, it's not nearly as entertaining.
So, we've been talking about the Self in my social psychology class, and this movie was practically a movie of self-discovery through the eyes of others as well as oneself. It was fascinating to see the main character grow in such a way, but also to fall and wallow in confusion and saddness for a time. I was fascinated by it at least; I don't know if other people enjoy this as much as I do.
As a movie, I would definitely recommend seeing it. Zac's character is the ultimate man. I would not mind finding a guy like that someday. My rating: excellent, you must see this movie! Especially if you like romance and drama. And Zac Efron is gorgeous and really plays his character. He's so good! I love it :D
Now to important matters. I finished my stress report today! It is pretty good, but not the best I've written before... It took me forever to figure out how to write in APA format. I can't use easybib anymore because I have to buy a subscription for APA format, so now I get to do all of my reference pages by hand. Yay... :P I'll learn though, hopefully.
I just realized this... I have a miniature glass piano above my bed. Maybe that's not the best place to put a knick-knack... Oh well. It's so pretty and I never actually realized this before. I love the piano, did you know that? My hand is sore from playing today though. And typing. That makes it sore sometimes too. It hurts so i guess it must be time for me to stop.
Sweet dreams.
So, we've been talking about the Self in my social psychology class, and this movie was practically a movie of self-discovery through the eyes of others as well as oneself. It was fascinating to see the main character grow in such a way, but also to fall and wallow in confusion and saddness for a time. I was fascinated by it at least; I don't know if other people enjoy this as much as I do.
As a movie, I would definitely recommend seeing it. Zac's character is the ultimate man. I would not mind finding a guy like that someday. My rating: excellent, you must see this movie! Especially if you like romance and drama. And Zac Efron is gorgeous and really plays his character. He's so good! I love it :D
Now to important matters. I finished my stress report today! It is pretty good, but not the best I've written before... It took me forever to figure out how to write in APA format. I can't use easybib anymore because I have to buy a subscription for APA format, so now I get to do all of my reference pages by hand. Yay... :P I'll learn though, hopefully.
I just realized this... I have a miniature glass piano above my bed. Maybe that's not the best place to put a knick-knack... Oh well. It's so pretty and I never actually realized this before. I love the piano, did you know that? My hand is sore from playing today though. And typing. That makes it sore sometimes too. It hurts so i guess it must be time for me to stop.
Sweet dreams.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
...help
I need a hug, a real hug. The worst week of my life? No, but most definitely in the top 10. There is so much going on, and I can't deal with everything. I have goals set for myself, but I don't want to accomplish them. I have things I need to do, but I don't want to do them. I hate procrastinating, but I keep doing it! Someone please tell me why I am acting so strangely because I don't know... Yes, Kaylee is basically freaking out right now.
Have you ever found out something you wish you wouldn't have? Something that changes your whole opinion of a person or of yourself? Something that hurts you so deep that you don't know how to deal with it? And on top of your personal problems, you get sick from stress, yet still have to act as if everything is going wonderfully. That's been my week. I guess I'm not a very good actress though because I'm pretty sure some people know that something's wrong.
I'm not sure who to believe. I was told two different stories about the same thing, and one has to be incorrect, but which one is right and which one is wrong? I'm pretty sure I know who's lying, and I wish she'd be truthful. I wish she wouldn't think I'm oblivious and foolish. She has to know that lying kills friendships, but I dunno... I don't want to stop being friends, but one of the most important qualities in a friendship (to me at least) is honesty, even if the truth hurts.
I need someone right now. I just can't do this all alone anymore. It's too difficult, and I know I've hurt plenty of my friendships, but I just need to talk and calm down. Guys suck sometimes, no offense to any guy who reads this, it is mainly directed at one person. I shouldn't have thought this would ever work out... now I'm pretty sure it never will. Why did I let myself get so caught up in everything? Why did I give in to my feelings? Why did I act so selfishly? I should have listened to reason, now, it's too late, I think. I was so close to changing into a better person, then I fell back down again. Now, I don't know how to get back up.
I'm sorry to anyone I've ever hurt. I know most people I've hurt will never read this post, but who knows... maybe some will. I can be extremely selfish and I know this. I've tried changing, I just don't know if I can anymore. My life is not going how I wish it would. I know I'm the only person who can change this, but I'm not sure if I'm strong enough to make the changes I need to make. I need help.
I need to stop being so insecure with myself. Why can't I just accept who I am and forget about my stupid, petty insecurities. When I start to care for someone a lot, I can become clingy and seem needy. I'm pretty sure I do this because I am insecure and needy, and I really wish I wasn't like this. So, what I tend to do when I think someone is going to hurt me or that I am going to hurt them is I detach myself emotionally. Completely. Whatever it takes to make the hurt seem less. But, I can't seem to do that this time. I don't know why it's different, but it is.
I don't think I've ever really had a true friend in my life. I want to say I wish I had, but somehow or another, something turns out wrong. The longest, good friendship I've ever had was for 6 years... Is there something about me that makes me an ok person to be around, but not a true friend? Am I even likeable or just seem snotty? I've always thought about this, but I don't know the answer... I want to have good, close, long friendships, but I don't know if that will ever happen.
I have never told anyone these things before. At least, I don't think I ever have. I've never really fit in anywhere and have always preferred being a loner. But now, I'm tired of being alone and lonely. I want close friendships; I need to feel loved by someone other than my family. I know family is great and everything, but they have to be there for me... friends choose to be there... I wish I'd figured this out years ago. I wish I would have made different decisions. I wish I could learn from my mistakes and redeem myself.
I used to believe that if I kept myself busy that everything would work out in the end. I was happy for a long time. I wish I would think before I speak sometimes. I miss Success Academy and Young Womens - those were the two places I sort of fit in. I just want to be happy again... but with the positions I've put myself in, I don't know how to do that. I need help.
Have you ever found out something you wish you wouldn't have? Something that changes your whole opinion of a person or of yourself? Something that hurts you so deep that you don't know how to deal with it? And on top of your personal problems, you get sick from stress, yet still have to act as if everything is going wonderfully. That's been my week. I guess I'm not a very good actress though because I'm pretty sure some people know that something's wrong.
I'm not sure who to believe. I was told two different stories about the same thing, and one has to be incorrect, but which one is right and which one is wrong? I'm pretty sure I know who's lying, and I wish she'd be truthful. I wish she wouldn't think I'm oblivious and foolish. She has to know that lying kills friendships, but I dunno... I don't want to stop being friends, but one of the most important qualities in a friendship (to me at least) is honesty, even if the truth hurts.
I need someone right now. I just can't do this all alone anymore. It's too difficult, and I know I've hurt plenty of my friendships, but I just need to talk and calm down. Guys suck sometimes, no offense to any guy who reads this, it is mainly directed at one person. I shouldn't have thought this would ever work out... now I'm pretty sure it never will. Why did I let myself get so caught up in everything? Why did I give in to my feelings? Why did I act so selfishly? I should have listened to reason, now, it's too late, I think. I was so close to changing into a better person, then I fell back down again. Now, I don't know how to get back up.
I'm sorry to anyone I've ever hurt. I know most people I've hurt will never read this post, but who knows... maybe some will. I can be extremely selfish and I know this. I've tried changing, I just don't know if I can anymore. My life is not going how I wish it would. I know I'm the only person who can change this, but I'm not sure if I'm strong enough to make the changes I need to make. I need help.
I need to stop being so insecure with myself. Why can't I just accept who I am and forget about my stupid, petty insecurities. When I start to care for someone a lot, I can become clingy and seem needy. I'm pretty sure I do this because I am insecure and needy, and I really wish I wasn't like this. So, what I tend to do when I think someone is going to hurt me or that I am going to hurt them is I detach myself emotionally. Completely. Whatever it takes to make the hurt seem less. But, I can't seem to do that this time. I don't know why it's different, but it is.
I don't think I've ever really had a true friend in my life. I want to say I wish I had, but somehow or another, something turns out wrong. The longest, good friendship I've ever had was for 6 years... Is there something about me that makes me an ok person to be around, but not a true friend? Am I even likeable or just seem snotty? I've always thought about this, but I don't know the answer... I want to have good, close, long friendships, but I don't know if that will ever happen.
I have never told anyone these things before. At least, I don't think I ever have. I've never really fit in anywhere and have always preferred being a loner. But now, I'm tired of being alone and lonely. I want close friendships; I need to feel loved by someone other than my family. I know family is great and everything, but they have to be there for me... friends choose to be there... I wish I'd figured this out years ago. I wish I would have made different decisions. I wish I could learn from my mistakes and redeem myself.
I used to believe that if I kept myself busy that everything would work out in the end. I was happy for a long time. I wish I would think before I speak sometimes. I miss Success Academy and Young Womens - those were the two places I sort of fit in. I just want to be happy again... but with the positions I've put myself in, I don't know how to do that. I need help.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Betrayal & An Unescapable Truth
The Ultimate Betrayal
That first night, Our first kiss
The first time, What joy and bliss
I hear your name And my heart cries,
Longing to see Your loving eyes
A moment late I arrive
You're lying there, Her by your side
Stopped in my tracks, My breath is gone
I never thought You'd be that one
To hurt my pride My senseless thoughts
How could you ever... I should have not
Walked in that day. It made me wail
You there with her - The ultimate betrayal.
An Unescapable Truth
A lone man
A simple plan -
Death.
A parents child
A man defiled -
Lost.
A friend to us
A lover at once -
Revenge.
A happy day
Of men who pray -
Gone.
A world of peace
Man's anger ceased -
Unknown.
An murderous death
To an innocent man -
Unforgivable.
The last chance of a world
Torn to pieces -
Christ.
I know these have completely different meanings, but I'd really appreciate if you told me what you think of them. I wanted to capture the moment in the piece, and as the writer, I want to know if the readers think I accomplished that. You can probably tell I'm in a very pessimestic mood today. Life sucks, and then we die. Yep, that's about how I've been feeling recently. At least it gives me a lot to write about... enjoy!
That first night, Our first kiss
The first time, What joy and bliss
I hear your name And my heart cries,
Longing to see Your loving eyes
A moment late I arrive
You're lying there, Her by your side
Stopped in my tracks, My breath is gone
I never thought You'd be that one
To hurt my pride My senseless thoughts
How could you ever... I should have not
Walked in that day. It made me wail
You there with her - The ultimate betrayal.
An Unescapable Truth
A lone man
A simple plan -
Death.
A parents child
A man defiled -
Lost.
A friend to us
A lover at once -
Revenge.
A happy day
Of men who pray -
Gone.
A world of peace
Man's anger ceased -
Unknown.
An murderous death
To an innocent man -
Unforgivable.
The last chance of a world
Torn to pieces -
Christ.
I know these have completely different meanings, but I'd really appreciate if you told me what you think of them. I wanted to capture the moment in the piece, and as the writer, I want to know if the readers think I accomplished that. You can probably tell I'm in a very pessimestic mood today. Life sucks, and then we die. Yep, that's about how I've been feeling recently. At least it gives me a lot to write about... enjoy!
Trivial Stress
I should be writing or reading for my classes right now. Thank goodness I'm done with my tests this weekend! One tomorrow, then I don't have another one until next thursday! Phew... relief. So, I get to write 3 papers this weekend. One, I'm supposed to write an analysis of this paper I need to read about fMRI's. It's not coming along very well since I barely understand the paper that I'm supposed to be writing about. One of my other papers is about stress and the affects it can have on one of the physiological systems in the body. I might post them once I'm done, but I most definitely want to post my last one. I'm way excited to write my last paper. It's a ten page research paper, and I'm doing it about mid-adulthood dating. I can't wait to start writing it!
Ya, I have an exciting life, I know.
So, school is really stressing me out. I think I need a break, but it seems every time I try to take a break, I have something else I need to get done. Well, I guess that's life, eh? I think I got so stressed that it broke down my immune system. This is a good guess, since I do not feel very good and can't seem to concentrate. It's funny though, because I used to cope with stress relatively easily. I did my work to perfection, and would spend hours reading or writing for class. I can't do that anymore and I'm not really sure why. I'm ready for this semester to be over already - the pace is too fast for me right now and I just need to slow down.
I don't think anyone actually reads these so I feel safe writing this. I'm scared. I put myself completely out there recently, and I'm not sure what's going to happen now. I didn't necessarily want to get put in this position, but I am and I don't want to get hurt, although I know that's practically inevitable. That's one of my biggest fears: getting hurt by others. I'm physically pain tolerant, but when it comes to my emotions, I don't know how to handle disappointment well. Have you ever felt that you're pursuing a lost cause? I don't know if that's true or not. I don't want this to be a lost cause, but I'm pretty sure it already is one. It hurts me to know this.
I was warned though, numerous times. I should've listened, but I guess I'm just too stubborn. I like to get my way, and a lot of the time, I do whatever it takes to get what I want. Determination: I used to like being known as a determined person, but now, I don't know if that's a good trait. It's scary what goes on in my mind. Most people would be shocked to know all of the things I think about. Even those people who think they know me really don't know who I am. They may know a few things, but I've never opened up to anyone completely before. I feel as if I want to though, and I already know who I'm going to tell.
Back to the real world. Have you ever listened to "Never gonna leave this bed" by Maroon 5? If not, you should go listen to it. it's quite an amazing song and makes me feel happy. I rather quite like Misery as well. Oxymoronic, yes?
I need to get back to school soon... Bleh. I really don't want to endure 6 more hours tonight! Then I get the lovely opportunity to study for neuroscience... yay. George Strait and Chris Ledoux are amazing. Just thought I'd point that out for those of you who do not already know I think this.
Most of my paragraphs start with I... Hmm... that's interesting. I must change this next time. But for now, I really don't care. Can you tell I'm just loving life?
Ya, I have an exciting life, I know.
So, school is really stressing me out. I think I need a break, but it seems every time I try to take a break, I have something else I need to get done. Well, I guess that's life, eh? I think I got so stressed that it broke down my immune system. This is a good guess, since I do not feel very good and can't seem to concentrate. It's funny though, because I used to cope with stress relatively easily. I did my work to perfection, and would spend hours reading or writing for class. I can't do that anymore and I'm not really sure why. I'm ready for this semester to be over already - the pace is too fast for me right now and I just need to slow down.
I don't think anyone actually reads these so I feel safe writing this. I'm scared. I put myself completely out there recently, and I'm not sure what's going to happen now. I didn't necessarily want to get put in this position, but I am and I don't want to get hurt, although I know that's practically inevitable. That's one of my biggest fears: getting hurt by others. I'm physically pain tolerant, but when it comes to my emotions, I don't know how to handle disappointment well. Have you ever felt that you're pursuing a lost cause? I don't know if that's true or not. I don't want this to be a lost cause, but I'm pretty sure it already is one. It hurts me to know this.
I was warned though, numerous times. I should've listened, but I guess I'm just too stubborn. I like to get my way, and a lot of the time, I do whatever it takes to get what I want. Determination: I used to like being known as a determined person, but now, I don't know if that's a good trait. It's scary what goes on in my mind. Most people would be shocked to know all of the things I think about. Even those people who think they know me really don't know who I am. They may know a few things, but I've never opened up to anyone completely before. I feel as if I want to though, and I already know who I'm going to tell.
Back to the real world. Have you ever listened to "Never gonna leave this bed" by Maroon 5? If not, you should go listen to it. it's quite an amazing song and makes me feel happy. I rather quite like Misery as well. Oxymoronic, yes?
I need to get back to school soon... Bleh. I really don't want to endure 6 more hours tonight! Then I get the lovely opportunity to study for neuroscience... yay. George Strait and Chris Ledoux are amazing. Just thought I'd point that out for those of you who do not already know I think this.
Most of my paragraphs start with I... Hmm... that's interesting. I must change this next time. But for now, I really don't care. Can you tell I'm just loving life?
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Music & Reading
I have just decided that I love Maroon 5! They have some pretty great music. Just thought I'd let you know that I actually like some other music besides just country. Haha, I love country though... Last night, the Western Underground concert was pretty great, but I liked the opening act, Eric Dodge, even better. He had this song called Woman's World and I was laughing so hard at the lyrics. I love it :D
Ya, music has basically been my escape from school this semester. At lunch, I come home and play the piano (I think my mom wishes I'd learn some new songs...). Oh well. I enjoy playing, and I want to perfect some of these songs. Preferrably the ones I like. I really love Tocatta in D Minor, and Canon in D Minor (I think that's what it's called...). Anyways, it's the wedding march song, and it's lots of fun to play.
I think I read 100 pages of textbook today, not exaggerating. I had a test on friday, one on saturday, I have one tomorrow, one on tuesday, and another one this upcoming friday! I wish teachers would spread out their tests better. It's sort of my fault though... I haven't been keeping up with my reading in all of my classes. I only like reading for 2 of them, so the other 3 take backseats. One of the 3 I have to read and the other 2 I just get through by reading the summaries, bolded words, and captions. For some reason, grades seem less and less important the older I become.
Oh! The other night, me, Nicki, and Melissa just went out driving for not apparent reason. Somehow or another, we decided to find these guys Melissa was texting, and we found them at Walmart. It was an adventure. They didn't even say hi, but we went and sat in the back of my truck in the parking lot, just chilling. That was a pretty great night.
So, I think my printer is posessed... for some reason it keeps making weird noises at random moments. The weirdest thing is that the power's turned off! I just unplugged it because I don't want to wake up in the middle of the night simply because my printer is acting stupid.
That is all for tonight.
Ya, music has basically been my escape from school this semester. At lunch, I come home and play the piano (I think my mom wishes I'd learn some new songs...). Oh well. I enjoy playing, and I want to perfect some of these songs. Preferrably the ones I like. I really love Tocatta in D Minor, and Canon in D Minor (I think that's what it's called...). Anyways, it's the wedding march song, and it's lots of fun to play.
I think I read 100 pages of textbook today, not exaggerating. I had a test on friday, one on saturday, I have one tomorrow, one on tuesday, and another one this upcoming friday! I wish teachers would spread out their tests better. It's sort of my fault though... I haven't been keeping up with my reading in all of my classes. I only like reading for 2 of them, so the other 3 take backseats. One of the 3 I have to read and the other 2 I just get through by reading the summaries, bolded words, and captions. For some reason, grades seem less and less important the older I become.
Oh! The other night, me, Nicki, and Melissa just went out driving for not apparent reason. Somehow or another, we decided to find these guys Melissa was texting, and we found them at Walmart. It was an adventure. They didn't even say hi, but we went and sat in the back of my truck in the parking lot, just chilling. That was a pretty great night.
So, I think my printer is posessed... for some reason it keeps making weird noises at random moments. The weirdest thing is that the power's turned off! I just unplugged it because I don't want to wake up in the middle of the night simply because my printer is acting stupid.
That is all for tonight.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Life... A Rollercoaster?
Yay, I love emotional rollercoasters... not. Actually, I love rollercoaster, something I found out just this summer, but not when they take my emotions for a joy ride. Heh. I love the top of the rollercoaster, but when it starts to swoop down and go in circles, I hold on for dear life, not daring to move for fear that moving could cause me to fall off. That's what happens to my emotions. I get to a point where I am at the very top, then all of a sudden, BAM! There they take off... But, by this point, I'm already trapped and can't jump off. I have to wait for them to go through the course. There are plenty of high points, but also plenty of low ones as well, and some, I don't even know what they are, but they come back time and time again.
Can I just say that headaches during class are the worst... I hate getting headaches in general, but in class, I can't concentrate. Especially when the I'm dead tired, and all the teacher is doing is showing video clips. I almost fell asleep in class.
Ah! Excitement! I love unexpected surprised, especially when they are good surprises. I love my friends; they're so wonderful. And they cheer me up so much!
That is all.
Can I just say that headaches during class are the worst... I hate getting headaches in general, but in class, I can't concentrate. Especially when the I'm dead tired, and all the teacher is doing is showing video clips. I almost fell asleep in class.
Ah! Excitement! I love unexpected surprised, especially when they are good surprises. I love my friends; they're so wonderful. And they cheer me up so much!
That is all.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Decisions of the Future
Funny experience just barely. So, I went to go type www.blogspot.com in the bar at the top of the page, but I accidentally type www.blotspot.com, and there's actually a website called that! I have no idea what's on that website, nor did I stay to look at it, but I thought it was interesting.
To my real point of writing this post. Well, actually, I have no point at the moment. I'm just tired of homework and school. I get to write a research paper! Most people wouldn't be excited for this, but I just picked my topic, and I think it will be very interesting. Ten pages about widowhood and dating. I'm stoked!
Now, change of subject... I wish things were easy. That it wasn't so difficult to make these decisions. I want everything in my life to turn out right, but I don't know how I can make that happen. I'm... not sure if I'm even on the right path. But, I must be because I'm here right now. I don't know nor do I want to think about it too much at the moment. I have more pressing matters weighing on my mind.
I really miss how my life was. I had such great friends (I still do, but half of them are gone), I was always excited for school, there was not reason for me to worry about the future because I knew that I didn't need to for a few more years. Well, the years have come and gone. In all honesty, I'm terrified. I have never been comfortable with the unknown, and now, that's all I seem to be dealing with. It comes up in my dreams, I think about the future all the time, and as hard as I try to live in the present, the past and future keep coming to mind. One of my favorite quotes, "Remember the past, live in the present, & fear not the future for it never exists and never shall. There is only now." I wish I could actually believe that. I wish that all my worries would just go away, or that I could find a better way to deal with them. I wish I wasn't so insecure...
Why do emotions ruin my senses? I think I know everything I want, but then my emotions toy with my realistic thinking. I don't know how much longer I can stand it. But, I know some way or another, I'll get through everything. I just hope it's sooner than later.
Eh, I'm sorry if this made absolutely no sense to you. Make assumptions if you wish, but I'm not going into more detail. Vaguity... no, this is not a word, but it describes my writing of this night. That is all.
To my real point of writing this post. Well, actually, I have no point at the moment. I'm just tired of homework and school. I get to write a research paper! Most people wouldn't be excited for this, but I just picked my topic, and I think it will be very interesting. Ten pages about widowhood and dating. I'm stoked!
Now, change of subject... I wish things were easy. That it wasn't so difficult to make these decisions. I want everything in my life to turn out right, but I don't know how I can make that happen. I'm... not sure if I'm even on the right path. But, I must be because I'm here right now. I don't know nor do I want to think about it too much at the moment. I have more pressing matters weighing on my mind.
I really miss how my life was. I had such great friends (I still do, but half of them are gone), I was always excited for school, there was not reason for me to worry about the future because I knew that I didn't need to for a few more years. Well, the years have come and gone. In all honesty, I'm terrified. I have never been comfortable with the unknown, and now, that's all I seem to be dealing with. It comes up in my dreams, I think about the future all the time, and as hard as I try to live in the present, the past and future keep coming to mind. One of my favorite quotes, "Remember the past, live in the present, & fear not the future for it never exists and never shall. There is only now." I wish I could actually believe that. I wish that all my worries would just go away, or that I could find a better way to deal with them. I wish I wasn't so insecure...
Why do emotions ruin my senses? I think I know everything I want, but then my emotions toy with my realistic thinking. I don't know how much longer I can stand it. But, I know some way or another, I'll get through everything. I just hope it's sooner than later.
Eh, I'm sorry if this made absolutely no sense to you. Make assumptions if you wish, but I'm not going into more detail. Vaguity... no, this is not a word, but it describes my writing of this night. That is all.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Smile! Today's a New Day :)
I have a new favorite place on campus. It's the student service center. They always have music playing, but it's low enough that it doesn't bother me when I study. I can come in here, pull out my laptop and chill while I'm waiting for class to start. It's very nice. That's where I am right now. Sitting at a table, should be reading for my next class, but instead, I felt like blogging.
I heard the best quote today. It said, "Although you may not have the best of everything, you can make the best of everything you have." Just thinking about that made me realize how lucky I am to be going to school, to have such a great family, and such wonderful friends. I am deciding right now to make the rest of this semester great. I'm going to try to be more friendly, positive, and give more compliments. We had an activity in my stress management class last night where half the class went around and wished everyone else "health and happiness." It brightened my mood considerably, and I would recommend it to anyone who has been feeling down. So reader, I wish you health and happiness. Now, go pass that message along to someone else who you either know or run into at random. It will brighten both your and their day.
Positive thought has been on my mind recently. I think that with enough positive thought, you really can get through difficult situations in life. I know I've been through plenty of them, and the best cure is thinking positively. It's easy to let reality catch up to you. Easy to get down. If you've been reading my posts recently, you'd realize I've had plenty of negative thoughts the past couple of weeks. Positivity (I don't know if that's actually a word) can really help improve your own and others' lives. And you may now know it at the moment, but even a smile can make the difference in someone's day.
This experience just came to my mind. Last year, I was walking to one of my classes, and this random guy comes up to me just says hello and starts walking with me. He's very friendly, and wishes me a good day. I've always wanted to do that to someone else. Just walk up to a stranger and be able to wish them happiness. I think that's going on my bucket list. But, this experience stuck with me. I really did have a better day just because someone was kind enough to speak with me on the crowded college campus.
I'm tired of being negative. Sometimes it brings about interesting topics of conversation, but positive interaction is better for the body. I don't really know if you cared to hear me discuss positive and negative moods, but that's just too bad. Smile! And have a lovely day!
Now go pass along the message :)
I heard the best quote today. It said, "Although you may not have the best of everything, you can make the best of everything you have." Just thinking about that made me realize how lucky I am to be going to school, to have such a great family, and such wonderful friends. I am deciding right now to make the rest of this semester great. I'm going to try to be more friendly, positive, and give more compliments. We had an activity in my stress management class last night where half the class went around and wished everyone else "health and happiness." It brightened my mood considerably, and I would recommend it to anyone who has been feeling down. So reader, I wish you health and happiness. Now, go pass that message along to someone else who you either know or run into at random. It will brighten both your and their day.
Positive thought has been on my mind recently. I think that with enough positive thought, you really can get through difficult situations in life. I know I've been through plenty of them, and the best cure is thinking positively. It's easy to let reality catch up to you. Easy to get down. If you've been reading my posts recently, you'd realize I've had plenty of negative thoughts the past couple of weeks. Positivity (I don't know if that's actually a word) can really help improve your own and others' lives. And you may now know it at the moment, but even a smile can make the difference in someone's day.
This experience just came to my mind. Last year, I was walking to one of my classes, and this random guy comes up to me just says hello and starts walking with me. He's very friendly, and wishes me a good day. I've always wanted to do that to someone else. Just walk up to a stranger and be able to wish them happiness. I think that's going on my bucket list. But, this experience stuck with me. I really did have a better day just because someone was kind enough to speak with me on the crowded college campus.
I'm tired of being negative. Sometimes it brings about interesting topics of conversation, but positive interaction is better for the body. I don't really know if you cared to hear me discuss positive and negative moods, but that's just too bad. Smile! And have a lovely day!
Now go pass along the message :)
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Truth and Reality
Sometimes poems can convey more emotion and meaning than just words. This is probably going to be practically impossible to understand, but I really just wrote this one for me.
Stars sparkle in your eyes
As I stare in the depths of space.
So deep and caring,
Yet a mystery to mine soul.
Please open your heart to me
Oh the reassurance you could
Give my thoughts -
Don't keep me waiting.
Through the distance
I can see the truth.
And I wish it were not,
But how can it not be?
Is this just my mind
Playing tricks
Or am I searching for
A love long gone?
It feels so real...
But how do I know
The difference between
Truth and Reality?
Stars sparkle in your eyes
As I stare in the depths of space.
So deep and caring,
Yet a mystery to mine soul.
Please open your heart to me
Oh the reassurance you could
Give my thoughts -
Don't keep me waiting.
Through the distance
I can see the truth.
And I wish it were not,
But how can it not be?
Is this just my mind
Playing tricks
Or am I searching for
A love long gone?
It feels so real...
But how do I know
The difference between
Truth and Reality?
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