I Just Need to Rant

So much for my happy moods. Have you ever felt like life just kicks you when you're down? Well, that's basically been my day today. I was excited to start the day. Ready for my statistics and development classes. I was going to make it a good day, but everything just seemed to be going wrong. I couldn't concentrate on homework because my house was too noisy. I tried to relax a little by playing piano, and I guess that was good. I just have way too many thoughts on my mind, and I don't have any way to release them because if I did, people would probably question my sanity.

Oh, I also didn't get the car I've been trying to get for the past week. I went over, and a guy came in with cash and got it instead. So, that's disappointing.

One of my friends came to me with a difficult problem, and I tried to help comfort her, so we went to the temple. That was nice, peaceful, and helped me clear my head a little bit. It was funny; we somehow got on the topic of couples and marriage and whatnot (I guess it's because we were at the temple or something), and were sitting out front when this guy leads his blindfolded girlfriend over to the front and proposes to her! I felt way awkward, so we left and chose another place to sit. It was interesting.

Before I left for the temple, I had this crazy insane headache. It's back again. I couldn't read my textbooks, and was going to take a nap. That didn't work. I read instead, and got an even worse headache. This is what hours of class all day can do to you. So, I have a bunch to read tomorrow. Thank goodness labor day weekend is soon. I really need to catch up with everything (already...).

Why does life have to be so stressful and complicated?

I just realized this today, but I'm making decisions right now that are going to affect the rest of my life. It really took a toll on me and I just thought about it for a minute. What do I really want out of life? I can't postpone these decisions much longer, so when should I make them? Now? Tomorrow? I don't have all the details, so how can I make the best decision for me? Gah! Can to you tell I'm completely overwhelemed.

Hopefully tomorrow brings a better day. In my mood right now though, I highly doubt that tomorrow will be any good. Maybe I'm lacking sleep. I know I'm lacking socialization that I've been depending on for a long time. I really need to find something that makes me happy. I'm usually pretty good at this (or at least at faking it), but recently, not so much. I'm tired, don't feel good, and can't seem to open up. What next?

Goodness, I need some sleep. Very badly. Maybe it'll cure some of the stress in my mind. Blogger, thank you for letting me rant. It was a good chat.

Two posts in a row... that's pretty incredible for me. But, I need to talk, well, figuratively. Moreso, I just need to put thoughts down.

So, here's my dilemma. I love psychology, but I'm seriously thinking about changing my major to english. I have no idea why I'm thinking this, but I am. Maybe my mind thinks there are more jobs for english majors than for psychology majors (which is probably likely). But, I'm not going to make a decision just yet. I have all the prerequisites to switch majors, but I'm not sure if that's what I really want.

More problems. I've been car shopping recently, and I found a car that I really like. It's a gold saturn, 2 door... I don't really know the rest of the details, but I like how it drives, and my brother says it's in good condition, so I'll take his word for it. Here's where my problem comes in. Another person also wants the car and went in before I did to the dealership. I'm really hoping their financing doesn't come through. That's terrible to say, but I've been looking for weeks, and I actually, really like this car and really want it. Not to mention it looks great. It's sporty-ish looking and matches me quite well.

School. Let's see... I don't think I will ever be able to post without somehow including school. But, let's post on a positive note! School's very interesting (good interesting). I've already learned a ton, and we're barely starting the second week! Today in my behavioral neuroscience class we looked at a real human brain! It was exciting. It's amazing what our brains do...

Institute is amazing. I absolutely love it. I have it first class on mondays and wednesdays. Hopefully having it at the first of the week will get me off to the right start every week. I can't wait to start hearing about doctrinal insights, stories, and truly trying to improve myself through learning.

So, I think I'm starting to go back to myself again, which is good. I greatly dislike being a pain to deal with, so that me is (hopefully) gone for the time being. For now at least, I'll keep things light and happy on here.

Haiku Poetry

So, I want to share some haiku's I've written (I really like haiku's by the way - they're so simple and lovely). Tell me what you think. I don't know if they're any good, just things off the top of my head.

A New Life
the shell has broken
new beginnings lie ahead
no protection left

Thunder
Blissful stormy nights,
Thunder rages in my soul
As quietude sleeps.

Tears
Silence engulfs the
crisp, clear evening until
crying tears my soul

Ok, here's my last one. I really like this subject, but I don't think I portrayed/caught the moment quite how I had imagined.

Forever
Life's sweet melodies
Fill wanting hearts with thoughts of
Forever near you.

Useful Boring Knowledge

Car shopping is a pain. I really need to find one that I want soon. I'm hoping that this one guy doesn't buy a little saturn I want, but he put a down payment on it, so he most likely will. If not though, then it's mine! Muahahahaha!

I'm in a much better mood today. It has been quite tiresome for the most part, but I haven't had to go to class, and I barely had to study. Tomorrow though, that's a different story. New ward, here I come! I'm very excited to be going to the singles' ward, but I'm terrified too. I know all the girls and people in my ward so well; it will be quite a transition to switch. But, I'm looking forward to it, nonetheless.

School is getting better. I think I'm finally starting to figure out which classes I actually need to study for. Behavioral neuroscience is going to be a living hell, not exagerrating. It is probably the worst class to take for a person who does not memorize terms very well. Statistical methods isn't going to be as bad as I thought it would. I don't know why I'd struggle with the math course. I guess it's because everyone I talked to said it was so difficult. I hope to prove them wrong.

Social psych is my Favorite! I really am so excited for this class I have already read a few chapters and we only needed to read the first one so far. Haha, maybe I shouldn't focus on it too much, but I will most definitely be doing something in this field. I am almost positive about that.

My other two classes are only one night a week, so I'm not too worried about them. Adult development and aging will be pretty depressing, but stress management will be oh so helpful. We're actually going to learn different methods for relaxation and how to do them right! I'm so excited! I'll need to learn it for this semester, especially for memorizing all the parts of the brain and nervous system... wow. I'm overwhelmed with everything. This is why I didn't pursue a biology major.

Life is good though. I'm loving my institute class. THe foam dance last night was epically amazing! I loved it!!! I didn't realize that it was the wet soapy foam, so I wasn't quite dressed how I wish I would have to get all wet. Jeans and tennis shoes don't really do that great in water. But it was still pretty awesome!

I'm starting to make new friends in my classes. Hopefully I can make some good friends that will last through the next few years of college. I need a good study group too because I'm finding some of the topics very difficult to comprehend on my own.

I know that everyone just loves hearing about my school life. It's so interesting, no? Lol, honestly, I am quite a boring person. I don't even know why I keep this blog, but I am actually starting to write a lot more, so I guess that's good.

I'm hoping college gives me more of a social experience than high school did. Since I basically had no social life in high school, I don't think this is too much to ask for. If I hang out once a month I'll have more of a social life than I did in high school. Either way, I'm here to learn, and I don't think I will ever take this many hard classes all together again. My advice? Take 2 or 3 hard courses and 2 or 3 easy courses. Stay balanced, it's much easier.

Organizing Everything

My biggest pet peeves:
Not knowing vital information about people, places, or things in which I am interested.
People not shutting the door behind them when they leave or enter a room.
Others keeping secrets from me.
Little things that I notice are out of place, like a pen or pencil on my dresser instead of desk.

I'm sure you just loved hearing those little things I think are a nuisance. Yeah, they frustrate me quite easily. I've noticed I get frustrated very easily... maybe I should relax a little bit. Heh, as if that'll happen.

I feel like a different person today. I know I'm still me, but my thoughts are weird and I keep having this feeling in the pit of my stomach that something's wrong. Maybe I just need some sleep or learn how to better manage my stresses in life.

For those who do not know me well, I am usually not a hopeless romantic. I wish I was moreso in a way, but emotions tend to get put behind reality in my mind. So, when I have emotions come through, they are usually quite strong.

Something's changing in me. I don't know what it is, but I suddenly have this need to want something more. I want to be helped. I need the understanding and commitment that I've never wanted before. It's strange for me to open up like this, especially where everyone can see it if they want to. But, I need close friendship. I really need to connect with someone in a way that I never have before. I wanna love somebody! (Wow... I never quote songs or movies either, yet, there's proof right before your eyes!)

So, to conclude, I am a difficult person with strange annoyances. Yes, I know this is not an essay and I can end whenever I choose without a conclusion, but I felt the need to include one in here. Emotions sometimes seem like a foreign language to me. I need help interpreting them but once I've got it, hopefully I can survive in that world. Romance and opening up are difficult for me to do, so, this truly is quite the post for me. On top of that, I actually quoted something. Here's another quote. Yeah, I think that's it.

College Life (In Reality)

I've been to college for the past 2 years, but i never knew how much reading was required in some classes. Just to let you know what I'm talking about, I took 5 upper division psychology classes. When i first signed up for them, I thought, "I've been doing this for quite a while... it should be a piece of cake." Was I ever wrong. So far, I've probably read at least 100 pages between the different books I have and it's only the 3rd day back! Most teachers give out the syllabus, tell you the course requirements, but don't assign too much at the very beginning. I guess the further you go, the more they expect and the less slack time you have. I really am going to be spending 30 hours on homework each week. Usually, I could get off with not reading one of my textbooks or only taking a few notes... Not anymore. And I'm here to compete. I want to get the top grades, I want the satisfaction of knowing that I gave it my best. I'm just worried that I won't have time for anything else (as if I did before).

One thing I've noticed about college though is that it's helped me figure out what I really want out of life. Yes, I would love a rewarding career in psychology someday, but first, I want to have a family. I'll continue to go to school, continue to learn, continue with my life's path that I've created. There just might be a few bumps and turns along the way. It scared me at first that I might veer away from my goals, but now, I realize that I have my entire lifetime to complete them. And I have a long time to live, if I don't die tragically in some way or another (keep my fingers crossed).

I'm overwhelmed by the loads of information that are crashing around me. The hippocampus does this... the olfactory system is related to psycholgy in this way... There are so many things that i have to memorize, which is a big deal for me. I'm not so great at memorizing, and if I can, it takes me a long time. Usually at least double that of normal people. I learn, I can tell you about different theories and who created them, but I don't memorize easily. It's been quite a struggle actually not to be able to with so much schooling that I'm planning on doing. I need to work on that. Maybe this semester will help a little bit.

For anyone who has left for college, good luck. I sure hope you're not taking as difficult a schedule as me. I don't know how I'm going to find all the time to do everything I need to. I wish sleep wasn't necessary, or else I'd have plenty of time, but it is, so I don't. Now, I just need to find a good part time job that I can balance with my reading, homework, and schedule. Ugh... that should be exciting.

Life Stresses and Disappointments

Life is stressful. Most people know this... I guess I just got the memo. I thought being independent (to an extent) and getting my own life would help me with dealing with the stresses of life. It definitely has. I've had lots of stressful times, and I know that nothing will ever compare to some of those. But now, I'm just stressed about life in general. I need to find a job, I need to start making money, I need to get a car, I need to go to school, I need to read my textbooks, I need to do well. Why can't I just do what I want to... I want to be happy. I don't want to be stressed out. Is that really too much to ask?

Why do I keep having these weird moods where I'm so down and depressing to talk to. I'm not me. I am, but I'm not. Make sense? Is this all just a part of growing up? I thought I'd be happy to be back in school. To be busy. To live my life. But, I'm not. I thought keeping close friends around all the time would help me. I have amazing friends and family and relatives. I don't know why I'm not happy. I don't have any reason to be disappointed with my life. Happiness is part choice, part circumstance. My circumstances are good, so maybe I just need to choose to be happy. I think I'll try that tomorrow. That should solve everything, hopefully.

My Mind the Night Before School...

Life is full of simple pleasures. No need to explain, it just it.

I have never noticed how bored I can get within a few hours. Tonight, the YSA wards were reestablished and I went to the fireside to see who my new ward would be. It was so dang long... I thought I was going to die from boredom. The speakers were mostly good, but the last one talked for an entire hour! And he repeated himself time and time again. I was quite frustrated by the end.

I just want to say I love flowers. I don't necessarily have a favorite flower, but I love how they look, how some of them smell, what they symbolize. They're so beautiful and very... simple. I have realized I love simplicity. It's much better than drama, stress, and problems. So, I'm trying to make my life simpler. Less distractions. Close friends. Better communication. Simple.

Rollercoasters are a ton of fun, unless they are messing with your emotions. I just wish that my emotions would stop going up and down, spin around, twist, turn, loopty-loop. Hopefully with more things to do I'll have something to keep my mind occupied all the time. Yay school... I'm excited, but not ready to go back. I just hope my classes aren't too difficult.

The End.

Simple Happiness

I think I am in love with Keith Urban's music! Honestly, those of you who have never listened to him must because he is simply amazing! I recently changed my ringtone to "I'm In," by, guess who? Keith Urban. Just thought I'd let you know that. Seriously though, his music is peaceful and so beautiful. I'm actually learning how to play "Tonight I Wanna Cry" on the piano. Since it's usually played on the piano, it actually sounds pretty good. I want to memorize this song. For me, this is quite a task to take upon myself since I am terrible at memorizing. The only song I was ever able to memorize completely was this Christmas song a few years back that I played constantly. So, my goal may be unreachable, but I'll still try to reach it.

Children are amazing. I've actually been thinking about kids a lot lately. Is that weird? I don't think so... not too weird at least. Today though, I had plenty of reason to think. I went to a baby shower for a friend and then later babysat these two adorable little boys. Shopping for the baby clothes and then playing with the little boys made me excited to think that someday I will want to have a family of my own... Not soon. A long ways in the future, hopefully. But some day... And they will be adorable little children. And I will be happy.

My eyes are practically dying, so I guess that means I should end this post. Goodnight!

Life Unknown

Please enjoy this poem. I wrote it when I was not in the best of moods, and it really seemed to help me get my emotions out.

Oh the bitter taste of life
Why be so agonizing?
The pounding grows in my heart
As I watch you lay in wait, hiding.

The carelessness of your touch
stings. Reality came.
My life: ruined, crashing down
Is this all just a game?

Life, please understand
that I'm tired of waiting.
The displeasure is too painful.
Go away. Stop hating.

What have I done to deserve this?
Please, tell me soon.
The unknown is worse
Than an everlasting gloom.

Lightning the Mood... or not.

Do you ever get in those moods where you're just pissed at life for no apparent reason? Well, I'm in that mood right now... And it's completely out of character for me. I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to think about anything, and I just want to be alone without a care in the world. Too bad life never turns out how we want it to...

But sometimes, it's just our attitude that needs the changing. I just got off here for a minute, then back on. I could hear the rain, the thunder, and everything was so peaceful. I felt safe and warm in my cozy little bed. It's amazing what a few minutes can do to your mood. Just taking a second to step back and look at yourself. I have trouble doing that sometimes, but when I do, I usually learn a lot about myself.

Is it a lie to not tell the complete truth? I never have quite been able to figure that out. I don't like to lie, for the most part (though I'm quite talented at it - far too much practice that I'm not really proud of). But recently, I have been trying to be more honest and open, though I don't know if it's safe to share so many secrets and insights with other people. I'm tired of being lonely and isolated. I need that interaction with others. I don't mind being alone most of the time, but I'm ready to get back to school and socialize. Not just socialize, but actually meet new people. I need to get my mind busy on other things: homework and friends would be nice.

Normally, I like to be optimistic about life. I like to think that there's happiness around every corner; that things will work out for the best. I'm not so sure about that now. Realism is starting to set in. When you make stupid mistakes, you get stupid consequences. Learning this firsthand is difficult... but enlightening at the same time. I don't think that bad is everywhere. But, I don't know if good will be lurking around every turn in the road of life. As I think about this, I start to realize it's all attitude. When we have a bad attitude, bad things seem even worse than usual. But with a positive attitude, bad things are less likely to be so terrible. Just my thoughts.

Anyways, I think this will be the end. I'm still not in a great mood, and I don't know why... Maybe sleep will help.

Water BOM...

Yes, the title is a play on words. Bear with me. I'm in a very strange mood today.

I made the weirdest comment earlier... it was me-ish, but not really. I was at Sue's house; we were watching a movie with a couple of other people, and she had this Brita water filter. I've seen all of these filters before. They're usually not interesting, but this one was. It had this little tiny cap on it so that whenever you poured water, the cap went up, and then back down. I don't know why, but this made my day. Yes, it's odd, but true... (don't judge).

Last post, I wanted to write a poem, and I think I have the perfect topic. I just finished reading the Book of Mormon and it was my first time reading the entire book. I must admit, I can't believe it took me such a long time to read. The most amazing book I've ever read, and I've read some amazing books. There is so much information, so much knowledge, so much strength. So, here's my poem. I hope you like it.

One Book, lying with it pages open to read.
A novel of lives, the
last dying breath of a main character.
The pages are filled with pride, love, sacrifice.

I slowly close the cover. Months pass.
Every day, I open the book and read a passage,
a page, a verse.
Much is read, few resonates, little is truly understood.

The words seem to mock my inability to comprehend them.
Time spins backwards and slows down in the musty pages.
I feel myself being torn away from the problems of this
Life, and finding light through the struggles of others.

Engulfed in war and battle scenes, I am soon
to enjoy the serenity and peace of the pure
Love of Christ. Lives are changed,
whether they lived centuries ago... or today.

There are no secrets kept from the most faithful
of followers. Stay on the path and all
will be revealed, given time. Proceed with faith,
give with hope, care with charity.

Give unto a fellow man, do not engage in
worldly ways. Keep oaths and covenants.
Remain pure. He is the life and the light of the world.
God is good. And all is well.

Let me know what you think... I haven't written like this in a long time, and these are a few of my thoughts. I just thought I'd try a new way of expressing them.

My Boggled Thoughts

I have come to the conclusion: I hate zucchini. Today, my mom wanted me to shred all of the giant zucchini that we’ve picked, and I remember why I did not enjoy doing it last year. It has something in it that sticks to hands. I have green coating all over my fingers now, and it feels like super glue. No bueno.

I believe I have found the most amazing and encouraging song. It’s called One Day You Will by Lady Antebellum. I’ve listened to it over and over, and I must admit, it is amazing! You should go look it up if you want. The lyrics are so uplifting, and the music is beautiful. I love it at least, and you should too.

Let’s see… I forgot today was stake conference, so I got ready for church (I must admit, I looked cute too), and then found out that I didn’t even need to get ready for the day. This was quite disappointing news for me. I was really looking forward to learning something new today.

Oh! I straightened my hair! This is a huge deal for me because it means that I am really considering changing something about myself. Caitlyn wants me to cut bangs, but I'm not so sure about that. I’ve noticed that I’ve been doing quite a lot of changing recently. My room, my hair, my schedule. Now, it’s time to change me. I’ve been contemplating this, and I think I’m ready to change.

Obviously the weather has the same idea as me. It has been rainy, stormy, and wonderful. I love the rain. The sound of it in the middle of the night, hearing the thunder rumble in the background, and smelling the sweetness of the rain. There is no better feeling than sitting in bed late at night enjoying a thunderstorm.

So, I think I’m going to start writing more. I miss writing, and I’m starting to get weak with my writing abilities. I used to be able to write pages about nothing whatsoever and I can’t do that anymore. I must relearn that before school starts again.

Oh yes, school. I’ve been contemplating what I think about going back. I’m not sure if I’m excited, terrified, nervous, upset. I do know that I need something to occupy my time, but I’m not sure that school is what I want to occupy it. I am excited for a few classes, one being social psychology, but behavioral neuroscience sounds like torture. I’ll deal I guess.

I think I’ve run out of ideas to write about. Next post though, I want to put a few poems on here. Now, I just have to write them.

Forces of Nature

I hate the weather right now... it's far too windy and I can feel the autumn breeze starting to fill the air. I thought I would be thrilled to see summer end, but I'm not. I'm ready to be busy again, but I don't want to be at the same time. Does that make sense? Well, it does to me. I'm tired of sitting at home with nothing to accompany me except my thoughts. I don't like helping around the house at the moment, and I need to go back to school, even though I don't necessarily want to go to all of my classes.

I am not looking forward to some of the classes I am taking. Yes, I can't wait to study social psychology and stress management, but statistical methods in psychology does not sound like the most entertaining class. Who knows, I might love it, but I don't want to. Not right now.

Have you ever thought about the connections that we have to different people in our lives? Well, I have. I have given this subject great thought, and I have a theory. People all have different connections: mental, psychological, physical, emotional connections. We can only really see the physical and feel the emotional connections in our lives. But, I have wondered what causes these connections. Is there some sort of 5th dimmension that we have not discovered where thoughts dominate the universe? I think so. I have no idea how this could be proven or even tested, but I think it might be quite an interesting study if someone actually took it seriously.

The brain power that it would take to supply these connections could be extremely small, or very large. I've always wanted to believe in things like supernatural power where the brain is the only instrument used to move the physical world. Does this make any sense at all? Oh well. I need to get these thoughts down before I forget.

I wonder if there's anyone else who thinks this is as interesting as I do. Maybe I'll find out in college. Two years until grad school! Woohoo! For now though, I probably ought to focus on actually getting the degree.

A Change of Pace...

Today has been quite the day. My little cousin, Conlan, came over to swim and I found out he’s terrified of water. At first he wouldn’t even get off the steps, then he finally decided to get on the “boat.” Caitlyn and I were sharks and alligators, and he chased us and splashed us to turn us “nice.” It was a pretty fun game. I haven’t had that much fun in the pool for a couple of weeks.

But that’s not the reason I wanted to write this post. Last night, I went for a walk around the temple grounds - it was amazing. I haven’t felt that much peace and comfort in a long time, and I knew that, somehow, everything would work out. My life has been in a mess the past few months, even years. I didn't really know where I was going, what I was doing, and who I was. I lost myself. But last night, I felt an immense peace settle over me. I haven't felt that way in a long time, and it was such a great feeling. I have a lot of things I need to change, I know that. I need to find myself again. I need to be truly happy. I thought I was happy, but I forgot what true happiness felt like. I re-experienced that last night. For anyone who is reading this, the temple is the most amazing place in the world. There is no other way to gain happiness without God in your life.

Change of subject. I just found out that I cannot text and talk at the same time. It's impossible. For all of those people who can accomplish this great task, I applaud you. I notice that I can't listen to music and read at the same time either. I'm sure you were just dying to hear all of this about me. It must be some sort of mental thing. I can't multitask when I am using the same part of my brain for two different tasks; it's almost impossible!

This is a very random post for me. I usually know what I want to talk about, but I have so many things I want to say. Recently, I had a fortune cookie that said, "A long lost friend will soon return in your life," or something like that. My fortune came true! My friend, Sarah, is coming down here for college for the next couple years. I just found it funny (ironic maybe?) that a fortune cookie and my real life correspong (is that the right word?) with each other.

Random assortment of ideas, I know... But, read it you want, comment if you will, and keep yourself entertained, even if it is by reading my little blog post. Those are my words of advice.