Seeing the Light in a Cold & Dreary World

I can think of a million things I should be doing right now. Test tomorrow to study for, reading my textbook, folding my clothes, practicing my guitar... well, maybe not a million things, but at least 4 things I should do but choose to not do. The reason I am not: I don't feel like it. If I've learned anything recently, it's that if you don't feel like doing something, then don't do it. Why should I submit myself to meaningless things that will barely affect the rest of my life? I can get an A or a B in my classes, and the only people who really care are myself and whichever school I apply to for grad school. That's it! So why do I obsess over learning so much?

Actually, I really enjoy learning. Just not really up to studying right now. I want to do something; be active; go to movies; take pictures with friends; go dancing; have fun while I'm still young enough not to care. But I do care. I care what impression I make on others, which is good in a way, but can be a real pain sometimes. I can barely start a conversation with someone anymore... unless I know them well, but that's different.

I got on here mostly to say that today has been very unproductive for me. I stayed at home all day, thanks to this lovely cold that seems to be going around. The most I accomplished was watching a lot of tv and becoming bored out of my mind. Dang, I am so sick of being sick! I had awesome plans for tonight. I was going to study for my abnormal psych test (which I still don't really like), then I was going to make dinenr, then me and some friends were going to go country dancing, but it will have to wait until some other time, sadly.

Hmmph... life is... unpredictable. I think that is the best word choice I can think of right now. I never know what to expect, and even when I think I have things figured out, something happens that makes me question my expectations. Then I get frustrated because I realize I don't have as much control over the situations in my life as I had once thought. It's not that bad though. Actually, it's more... eye-opening. I get to see reality for once instead of living in my comfort zone all the time. Perhaps this is meant to prepare me for other situations that will be encountered in my lifetime. Who knows...

Life does not suck. We all will die someday. But, even though being torn down and kicked to the curb can be tiresome and feel like the end of the world is coming, it really isn't. I can't wait until one day when I look back at my life and realize that the things I thought were so big were actually simple tests that I either passed or failed. And no matter what, I can choose to learn with every trial that I face. If you have read this far, I hope you will feel the same way too. No matter how bad life can become, there is always something to look forward to, always someone to love, and always a new day to be lived.

This just reminded me of a quote by Mother Teresa (whom I greatly admire). It says: If you judge people, you have no time to love them. I don't know why this thought came to me, but I think we can, not only apply this to others, but to ourselves as well. If we judge ourselves, if we don't realize that mistakes can really just be mistakes; if we judge so much that we can't forgive ourselves or others for what they have done... then we truly can't come to love them. Acceptance is the key to happiness. Accept yourself, then accept others. Learn to love, trust, and give.

Writing this blog just put me in a much better mood. I sincerely hope that you can feel happier if you finished this because it's probably the only blog post I've written in a long time that's even close to worth reading. In my Yoga class, we normally end with a short mantra that goes like this:
"May the long time sun shine upon you
All love surround you
And the pure light within you
Guide your way on."

Pointless Post

I have a new love: New Age music, preferrably piano classics. I've been listening to them all afternoon, and they are considerably lightening my spirits. I always knew that I loved playing piano classics, but I never thought I'd love listening to them this much. I would love to get all of this sheet music someday. Hopefully I'll learn some new songs soon. Honesty by New Age Piano Masters is one of my favorites right now.

Well, my life is pretty uneventful. This blog has no point, basically. I should actually be studying for a couple of tests that I have before fall break, but I decided I will study tomorrow instead. I've done enough homework today, and it's late so I wouldn't be able to concentrate anyways.

Life's full of ups and downs I have realized. One moment may seem like nothing will work, and the next, life is full of bliss and joy. Let's see... that explains my life perfectly. I think most other teenage girls will agree with me on this. Maybe even the whole population. I dunno. I can't speak for anyone besides myself. I prefer not to make rash judgments... but somehow, I end up making them all of the time. Let this not be one of those times.

This has been a pointless post. I hope you enjoy reading about nothing... in fact, I'll actually be shocked if anyone reads this. For the record, I have enjoyed writing it. And, that's all.

Disappointment? Life? Lack of sleep?

Do you ever get in that, "I hate life" mood? I'm not quite there yet, but that's where my mood is surely headed. Hopefully I can turn that around by doing productive work. I need to focus on school... and church. Stop worrying about the little problems in life. Because that's all they are, little problem. Simple things I shouldn't worry nor care about, but I do.

I need to find a way to change. To learn to cope better with stressful events in my life. Any suggestions? Well, I probably wouldn't follow any advice even if it was given to me.

I'm tired. Probably should go to sleep, but I doubt I'll be able to sleep very much tonight. Too many things on my mind to think about. Oh well, at least getting offline will help me figure things out. Hopefully.

Hot Tubbing, Life, Reality

Tonight, me and some friends had a hot tub party. I think it's now a tradition because I've had a hot tub party every year for the past 3 years on homecoming night. Which is strange since I don't to to PV anymore, but still. It was originally planned because one of my friends wanted to go to homecoming but her date backed out; well, she got asked by someone else. I was set on having friends over though, and hot tubbing sounded like a good idea, so I went with it.

Nothing exciting happened. It was pretty normal - just chatting and laughing. More or less a night wasted. I could have been reading my textbooks. Dang. I guess I'll just have to catch up on my reading tomorrow.

I feel as if I'm going nowhere. As if nothing is going to happen for me, even though I try to make my life meaningful and productive. I guess I missed out on the whole social side of high school, and therefore, I didn't learn how to socialize very well. It's starting to catch up to me now. I can casually talk with a lot of different people; I just don't care for small talk. It bores me. When I chat with others, I like my conversations to be meaningful and thoughtful. Maybe that's why I am so bad at making new friends. Acquaintances, I have plenty of those, but real friends - those are much more difficult to find. And personally, I don't want to exert my energy trying to become friends with someone just to see the friendship end in failure.

Looking at different things realistically is not a pleasant outlook all the time. I wish I was more of an optimist than a realist. At least I don't always look at the pessimistic side of everything.

Life is boring. It's the same thing day in and day out. I need some excitement; something to change things up a little bit. Something out of the ordinary. New. Adventurous. Thrilling.

I want to be a true rebel. For all Dixie students, you probably know what this means. For others, you might too. No more elaboration from me though. I must get to bed because I'm going to a farewell in the morning. It is for Casey and I'll be sad to see him leave. But, he's going to be a really good missionary - hopefully. I'm just tired of everyone leaving.

Content, Green, Hugs

I'm content. Life isn't great, but it's not really that bad either. Something I've been realizing lately is that everything doesn't have to end up perfectly. I can get through difficult situations because I know I can handle anything life throws at me.

I must say that my friends are amazing. Tonight, Nicki brought me cookies for no apparent reason, just because. I love my friends! Without friends and family, I don't know how I'd survive this life.

Life is good. I am finally getting into the groove with my classes. Some textbooks are extremely hard for me to read, but I deal. I finished my 2 papers today. Still need a second opinion on them, but I'll get that tomorrow. So, I've realized I love social interaction. I thrive on my weekends of talking and hanging out with friends. I look forward to chatting and texting and blogging. Maybe it's just that I need to restate my feelings out loud (or through typing) to actually know what I'm going through.

In case you haven't noticed, I've been writing a lot lately. I think I'm going to write a song soon. A country song, of course. About life and love and the lack of... haha. I need the lyrics, then the music. Hmmm... this might get interesting.

Anyways, did you know my favorite color is green? Well, it is. My room is also green and gorgeous. I wish I could just be outside all the time. Thankfully my curtains let in the light in the morning and afternoon. At night though, it's kinda creepy because if I have my light on, people can see through my window... I need to fix this. Don't want any peepers.

I have a lot to read tomorrow. But, at least I don't have to write any more essays until this weekend! You know that feeling you get when you accomplish something? That's what I'm feeling right now, but I really haven't even accomplished anything other than actually getting my papers written.

I still need a real hug. I've been missing physical contact with people. We've learned in my adult development and aging class that physical contact helps cognitive processing. So, I need to start touching more and getting out of my bubble. We'll see if that actually happens or not...

Life is good-ish... We'll see what happens later to see it that holds true.

Haha, I just wrote my title, and if you take out the commas, it is "content green hugs"... It reminds me of environmentalists. Let's not go into that topic tonight though (in fact, I don't think I ever write about politics on here... hmmm). Lol. Randomness!

I Just Need to Rant

So much for my happy moods. Have you ever felt like life just kicks you when you're down? Well, that's basically been my day today. I was excited to start the day. Ready for my statistics and development classes. I was going to make it a good day, but everything just seemed to be going wrong. I couldn't concentrate on homework because my house was too noisy. I tried to relax a little by playing piano, and I guess that was good. I just have way too many thoughts on my mind, and I don't have any way to release them because if I did, people would probably question my sanity.

Oh, I also didn't get the car I've been trying to get for the past week. I went over, and a guy came in with cash and got it instead. So, that's disappointing.

One of my friends came to me with a difficult problem, and I tried to help comfort her, so we went to the temple. That was nice, peaceful, and helped me clear my head a little bit. It was funny; we somehow got on the topic of couples and marriage and whatnot (I guess it's because we were at the temple or something), and were sitting out front when this guy leads his blindfolded girlfriend over to the front and proposes to her! I felt way awkward, so we left and chose another place to sit. It was interesting.

Before I left for the temple, I had this crazy insane headache. It's back again. I couldn't read my textbooks, and was going to take a nap. That didn't work. I read instead, and got an even worse headache. This is what hours of class all day can do to you. So, I have a bunch to read tomorrow. Thank goodness labor day weekend is soon. I really need to catch up with everything (already...).

Why does life have to be so stressful and complicated?

I just realized this today, but I'm making decisions right now that are going to affect the rest of my life. It really took a toll on me and I just thought about it for a minute. What do I really want out of life? I can't postpone these decisions much longer, so when should I make them? Now? Tomorrow? I don't have all the details, so how can I make the best decision for me? Gah! Can to you tell I'm completely overwhelemed.

Hopefully tomorrow brings a better day. In my mood right now though, I highly doubt that tomorrow will be any good. Maybe I'm lacking sleep. I know I'm lacking socialization that I've been depending on for a long time. I really need to find something that makes me happy. I'm usually pretty good at this (or at least at faking it), but recently, not so much. I'm tired, don't feel good, and can't seem to open up. What next?

Goodness, I need some sleep. Very badly. Maybe it'll cure some of the stress in my mind. Blogger, thank you for letting me rant. It was a good chat.

Haiku Poetry

So, I want to share some haiku's I've written (I really like haiku's by the way - they're so simple and lovely). Tell me what you think. I don't know if they're any good, just things off the top of my head.

A New Life
the shell has broken
new beginnings lie ahead
no protection left

Thunder
Blissful stormy nights,
Thunder rages in my soul
As quietude sleeps.

Tears
Silence engulfs the
crisp, clear evening until
crying tears my soul

Ok, here's my last one. I really like this subject, but I don't think I portrayed/caught the moment quite how I had imagined.

Forever
Life's sweet melodies
Fill wanting hearts with thoughts of
Forever near you.

College Life (In Reality)

I've been to college for the past 2 years, but i never knew how much reading was required in some classes. Just to let you know what I'm talking about, I took 5 upper division psychology classes. When i first signed up for them, I thought, "I've been doing this for quite a while... it should be a piece of cake." Was I ever wrong. So far, I've probably read at least 100 pages between the different books I have and it's only the 3rd day back! Most teachers give out the syllabus, tell you the course requirements, but don't assign too much at the very beginning. I guess the further you go, the more they expect and the less slack time you have. I really am going to be spending 30 hours on homework each week. Usually, I could get off with not reading one of my textbooks or only taking a few notes... Not anymore. And I'm here to compete. I want to get the top grades, I want the satisfaction of knowing that I gave it my best. I'm just worried that I won't have time for anything else (as if I did before).

One thing I've noticed about college though is that it's helped me figure out what I really want out of life. Yes, I would love a rewarding career in psychology someday, but first, I want to have a family. I'll continue to go to school, continue to learn, continue with my life's path that I've created. There just might be a few bumps and turns along the way. It scared me at first that I might veer away from my goals, but now, I realize that I have my entire lifetime to complete them. And I have a long time to live, if I don't die tragically in some way or another (keep my fingers crossed).

I'm overwhelmed by the loads of information that are crashing around me. The hippocampus does this... the olfactory system is related to psycholgy in this way... There are so many things that i have to memorize, which is a big deal for me. I'm not so great at memorizing, and if I can, it takes me a long time. Usually at least double that of normal people. I learn, I can tell you about different theories and who created them, but I don't memorize easily. It's been quite a struggle actually not to be able to with so much schooling that I'm planning on doing. I need to work on that. Maybe this semester will help a little bit.

For anyone who has left for college, good luck. I sure hope you're not taking as difficult a schedule as me. I don't know how I'm going to find all the time to do everything I need to. I wish sleep wasn't necessary, or else I'd have plenty of time, but it is, so I don't. Now, I just need to find a good part time job that I can balance with my reading, homework, and schedule. Ugh... that should be exciting.

Life Unknown

Please enjoy this poem. I wrote it when I was not in the best of moods, and it really seemed to help me get my emotions out.

Oh the bitter taste of life
Why be so agonizing?
The pounding grows in my heart
As I watch you lay in wait, hiding.

The carelessness of your touch
stings. Reality came.
My life: ruined, crashing down
Is this all just a game?

Life, please understand
that I'm tired of waiting.
The displeasure is too painful.
Go away. Stop hating.

What have I done to deserve this?
Please, tell me soon.
The unknown is worse
Than an everlasting gloom.