Decisions of the Future

Funny experience just barely. So, I went to go type www.blogspot.com in the bar at the top of the page, but I accidentally type www.blotspot.com, and there's actually a website called that! I have no idea what's on that website, nor did I stay to look at it, but I thought it was interesting.

To my real point of writing this post. Well, actually, I have no point at the moment. I'm just tired of homework and school. I get to write a research paper! Most people wouldn't be excited for this, but I just picked my topic, and I think it will be very interesting. Ten pages about widowhood and dating. I'm stoked!

Now, change of subject... I wish things were easy. That it wasn't so difficult to make these decisions. I want everything in my life to turn out right, but I don't know how I can make that happen. I'm... not sure if I'm even on the right path. But, I must be because I'm here right now. I don't know nor do I want to think about it too much at the moment. I have more pressing matters weighing on my mind.

I really miss how my life was. I had such great friends (I still do, but half of them are gone), I was always excited for school, there was not reason for me to worry about the future because I knew that I didn't need to for a few more years. Well, the years have come and gone. In all honesty, I'm terrified. I have never been comfortable with the unknown, and now, that's all I seem to be dealing with. It comes up in my dreams, I think about the future all the time, and as hard as I try to live in the present, the past and future keep coming to mind. One of my favorite quotes, "Remember the past, live in the present, & fear not the future for it never exists and never shall. There is only now." I wish I could actually believe that. I wish that all my worries would just go away, or that I could find a better way to deal with them. I wish I wasn't so insecure...

Why do emotions ruin my senses? I think I know everything I want, but then my emotions toy with my realistic thinking. I don't know how much longer I can stand it. But, I know some way or another, I'll get through everything. I just hope it's sooner than later.

Eh, I'm sorry if this made absolutely no sense to you. Make assumptions if you wish, but I'm not going into more detail. Vaguity... no, this is not a word, but it describes my writing of this night. That is all.