Seeing the Light in a Cold & Dreary World

I can think of a million things I should be doing right now. Test tomorrow to study for, reading my textbook, folding my clothes, practicing my guitar... well, maybe not a million things, but at least 4 things I should do but choose to not do. The reason I am not: I don't feel like it. If I've learned anything recently, it's that if you don't feel like doing something, then don't do it. Why should I submit myself to meaningless things that will barely affect the rest of my life? I can get an A or a B in my classes, and the only people who really care are myself and whichever school I apply to for grad school. That's it! So why do I obsess over learning so much?

Actually, I really enjoy learning. Just not really up to studying right now. I want to do something; be active; go to movies; take pictures with friends; go dancing; have fun while I'm still young enough not to care. But I do care. I care what impression I make on others, which is good in a way, but can be a real pain sometimes. I can barely start a conversation with someone anymore... unless I know them well, but that's different.

I got on here mostly to say that today has been very unproductive for me. I stayed at home all day, thanks to this lovely cold that seems to be going around. The most I accomplished was watching a lot of tv and becoming bored out of my mind. Dang, I am so sick of being sick! I had awesome plans for tonight. I was going to study for my abnormal psych test (which I still don't really like), then I was going to make dinenr, then me and some friends were going to go country dancing, but it will have to wait until some other time, sadly.

Hmmph... life is... unpredictable. I think that is the best word choice I can think of right now. I never know what to expect, and even when I think I have things figured out, something happens that makes me question my expectations. Then I get frustrated because I realize I don't have as much control over the situations in my life as I had once thought. It's not that bad though. Actually, it's more... eye-opening. I get to see reality for once instead of living in my comfort zone all the time. Perhaps this is meant to prepare me for other situations that will be encountered in my lifetime. Who knows...

Life does not suck. We all will die someday. But, even though being torn down and kicked to the curb can be tiresome and feel like the end of the world is coming, it really isn't. I can't wait until one day when I look back at my life and realize that the things I thought were so big were actually simple tests that I either passed or failed. And no matter what, I can choose to learn with every trial that I face. If you have read this far, I hope you will feel the same way too. No matter how bad life can become, there is always something to look forward to, always someone to love, and always a new day to be lived.

This just reminded me of a quote by Mother Teresa (whom I greatly admire). It says: If you judge people, you have no time to love them. I don't know why this thought came to me, but I think we can, not only apply this to others, but to ourselves as well. If we judge ourselves, if we don't realize that mistakes can really just be mistakes; if we judge so much that we can't forgive ourselves or others for what they have done... then we truly can't come to love them. Acceptance is the key to happiness. Accept yourself, then accept others. Learn to love, trust, and give.

Writing this blog just put me in a much better mood. I sincerely hope that you can feel happier if you finished this because it's probably the only blog post I've written in a long time that's even close to worth reading. In my Yoga class, we normally end with a short mantra that goes like this:
"May the long time sun shine upon you
All love surround you
And the pure light within you
Guide your way on."

A Christmas Message, More or Less

Wow... goodness, it's been a long time since I last posted. Let's see... a lot has happened in my life. Some really good things, some really bad things, but I think I'm going to focus on the positive.

School is almost done! I can't wait until December 17th. Then, I will finally be done with finals, done with papers, done with classes, and done with this semester! Not that I haven't enjoyed my classes; I have. I just wish I could focus on some classes in much more depth than others. But when time is so scarce, I don't have the time to pursue exactly what I want to pursue.

Enough about school... I am stoked for Christmas this year! I finally have money and can buy good presents for my family. I'm also really excited to start singing Christmas songs and making candies. The Christmas season itself is so much better than Christmas morning. Most people find this odd, but my favorite holiday isn't Christmas, it's Christmas Eve (I know it's not technically a holiday, but oh well). That's the day that I get to spend with my family completely; we have a huge dinner, talk, sit around and sing songs, open special presents, and enjoy one another's company. That's what Christmas should be about: family, love, the "spirit of Christmas."

My mom was reading in a magazine the other day about a tradition this lady started with her children. Every year, her and her kids would decide on 24 good deeds that they could perform throughout the month of December, leading up to Christmas. Each day, they would randomly pick a deed, and once they finished this deed, they would put it in their jar. These deeds were simple things like holding the door open for someone or picking up a piece of trash. On Christmas Eve, the mom would put all of the jars under the Christmas tree so Santa could see all of the good things the children had done throughout the month. I love this idea. Wouldn't life be a much better place if we could do a good deed for someone every day? Not just in the month of December, but all year 'round.

This story really changed how I've been looking at each day ahead of me. If I look forward to the day with a bright smile and lots of energy, I have a much better day, I'm less stressed, and I feel good about myself. Soemtimes I wish I could share my happiness and joy with others, and what better time to do this than Christmas?

Service really is the best way to happiness. Choosing to follow Christ's footsteps every single day, making the conscience decision that you will follow Him is possible, plausible, and protective in nature. I am so blessed to have a knowledge of the truth of the gospel in my life. It has changed everything about me; about how I look at events; about how I look at others. It's rather quite simple. Just start choosing to be happy, and the rest will fall into place. Life really is wonderful, we just have to consciously choose to make the best of each and every day.

The sure way to peace and happiness in this life and life hereafter is to serve the Lord today and everyday. Choose this day whom ye will serve. God will take care of the rest.

And if I don't post on here again until after Christmas, Merry Christmas! Keep the true meaning in your hearts and don't let the commercialized version get to your heads. :)

Truth and Reality

Sometimes poems can convey more emotion and meaning than just words. This is probably going to be practically impossible to understand, but I really just wrote this one for me.

Stars sparkle in your eyes
As I stare in the depths of space.
So deep and caring,
Yet a mystery to mine soul.

Please open your heart to me
Oh the reassurance you could
Give my thoughts -
Don't keep me waiting.

Through the distance
I can see the truth.
And I wish it were not,
But how can it not be?

Is this just my mind
Playing tricks
Or am I searching for
A love long gone?

It feels so real...
But how do I know
The difference between
Truth and Reality?

Organizing Everything

My biggest pet peeves:
Not knowing vital information about people, places, or things in which I am interested.
People not shutting the door behind them when they leave or enter a room.
Others keeping secrets from me.
Little things that I notice are out of place, like a pen or pencil on my dresser instead of desk.

I'm sure you just loved hearing those little things I think are a nuisance. Yeah, they frustrate me quite easily. I've noticed I get frustrated very easily... maybe I should relax a little bit. Heh, as if that'll happen.

I feel like a different person today. I know I'm still me, but my thoughts are weird and I keep having this feeling in the pit of my stomach that something's wrong. Maybe I just need some sleep or learn how to better manage my stresses in life.

For those who do not know me well, I am usually not a hopeless romantic. I wish I was moreso in a way, but emotions tend to get put behind reality in my mind. So, when I have emotions come through, they are usually quite strong.

Something's changing in me. I don't know what it is, but I suddenly have this need to want something more. I want to be helped. I need the understanding and commitment that I've never wanted before. It's strange for me to open up like this, especially where everyone can see it if they want to. But, I need close friendship. I really need to connect with someone in a way that I never have before. I wanna love somebody! (Wow... I never quote songs or movies either, yet, there's proof right before your eyes!)

So, to conclude, I am a difficult person with strange annoyances. Yes, I know this is not an essay and I can end whenever I choose without a conclusion, but I felt the need to include one in here. Emotions sometimes seem like a foreign language to me. I need help interpreting them but once I've got it, hopefully I can survive in that world. Romance and opening up are difficult for me to do, so, this truly is quite the post for me. On top of that, I actually quoted something. Here's another quote. Yeah, I think that's it.