...help

I need a hug, a real hug. The worst week of my life? No, but most definitely in the top 10. There is so much going on, and I can't deal with everything. I have goals set for myself, but I don't want to accomplish them. I have things I need to do, but I don't want to do them. I hate procrastinating, but I keep doing it! Someone please tell me why I am acting so strangely because I don't know... Yes, Kaylee is basically freaking out right now.

Have you ever found out something you wish you wouldn't have? Something that changes your whole opinion of a person or of yourself? Something that hurts you so deep that you don't know how to deal with it? And on top of your personal problems, you get sick from stress, yet still have to act as if everything is going wonderfully. That's been my week. I guess I'm not a very good actress though because I'm pretty sure some people know that something's wrong.

I'm not sure who to believe. I was told two different stories about the same thing, and one has to be incorrect, but which one is right and which one is wrong? I'm pretty sure I know who's lying, and I wish she'd be truthful. I wish she wouldn't think I'm oblivious and foolish. She has to know that lying kills friendships, but I dunno... I don't want to stop being friends, but one of the most important qualities in a friendship (to me at least) is honesty, even if the truth hurts.

I need someone right now. I just can't do this all alone anymore. It's too difficult, and I know I've hurt plenty of my friendships, but I just need to talk and calm down. Guys suck sometimes, no offense to any guy who reads this, it is mainly directed at one person. I shouldn't have thought this would ever work out... now I'm pretty sure it never will. Why did I let myself get so caught up in everything? Why did I give in to my feelings? Why did I act so selfishly? I should have listened to reason, now, it's too late, I think. I was so close to changing into a better person, then I fell back down again. Now, I don't know how to get back up.

I'm sorry to anyone I've ever hurt. I know most people I've hurt will never read this post, but who knows... maybe some will. I can be extremely selfish and I know this. I've tried changing, I just don't know if I can anymore. My life is not going how I wish it would. I know I'm the only person who can change this, but I'm not sure if I'm strong enough to make the changes I need to make. I need help.

I need to stop being so insecure with myself. Why can't I just accept who I am and forget about my stupid, petty insecurities. When I start to care for someone a lot, I can become clingy and seem needy. I'm pretty sure I do this because I am insecure and needy, and I really wish I wasn't like this. So, what I tend to do when I think someone is going to hurt me or that I am going to hurt them is I detach myself emotionally. Completely. Whatever it takes to make the hurt seem less. But, I can't seem to do that this time. I don't know why it's different, but it is.

I don't think I've ever really had a true friend in my life. I want to say I wish I had, but somehow or another, something turns out wrong. The longest, good friendship I've ever had was for 6 years... Is there something about me that makes me an ok person to be around, but not a true friend? Am I even likeable or just seem snotty? I've always thought about this, but I don't know the answer... I want to have good, close, long friendships, but I don't know if that will ever happen.

I have never told anyone these things before. At least, I don't think I ever have. I've never really fit in anywhere and have always preferred being a loner. But now, I'm tired of being alone and lonely. I want close friendships; I need to feel loved by someone other than my family. I know family is great and everything, but they have to be there for me... friends choose to be there... I wish I'd figured this out years ago. I wish I would have made different decisions. I wish I could learn from my mistakes and redeem myself.

I used to believe that if I kept myself busy that everything would work out in the end. I was happy for a long time. I wish I would think before I speak sometimes. I miss Success Academy and Young Womens - those were the two places I sort of fit in. I just want to be happy again... but with the positions I've put myself in, I don't know how to do that. I need help.